Coping With Your Transitions (part 4)

Transitions affect different people in different ways. Some folks willingly throw themselves into a transition, while others seem to have transitions thrust upon them. Letting go of a particular situation can be difficult, and that typically at least causes us to feel some sense of loss, which may, or may not, be accompanied by a sense of relief or excitement about what is to come.


Long ago, in other civilizations, there were some public ceremonies to designate specific transitions. We don't have very many of those 'rites of passage' these days. Each of us must figure out how best to cope with our transitions. Some of that may be learned from how we have adjusted to endings and beginnings in our past. It may help to spend some time trying to remember how you have responded to transitions previously. You can start just by thinking about how you approach saying goodbye after visiting family or friends. Do you make it a long, emotional scene, or do you go out with barely saying goodbye?


You may also want to think about more recent changes in your life. What kinds of events brought about those changes? If you have not dealt with previous transitions well, you can probably change your routine by uncovering your typical response to change. Then it is possible to learn a different coping style that may be more favorable for you.


Transitions in life are a part of life and those that happen in one phase or aspect of our lives often impact the other aspects of our lives, as well as the lives of others around us. These changes can have a cumulative negative effect on us, not only physically, but also socially and mentally. And that applies not only to those changes that effect us directly, but also those that effect us indirectly because of changes others are going through.


Coping with your transitions in life is a survival skill and the better you get at it, the better your life will be. For transitions will continue as long as you continue to live. With some effort, we can be better prepared for how we will respond to future transitions.




Mary Ann Davis, M.A., is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice providing coaching and counseling for life's transitions; including a job or career change, planning for retirement, coping with an empty nest, preparing to return to school or to work, coping with the loss of job, or other life planning concerns. She meets with individuals in person and via telephone to assist them in finding solutions to their life planning issues. Mary Ann is certified as a Master Career Counselor (MCC) by the National Career Development Association, a Life/Work Counselor by the National Employment Counseling Association, and is a Distance Credentialed Counselor (DCC). For more information on her services, please visit her web site at http://www.yourcareerplan.com/.

To contact Mary Ann, please call (513) 665-4444 x3 and leave a personal and confidential message or send an email to YourCareerPlan@cinci.rr.com.

Coping With Your Transitions (part 3)

We have talked briefly about new beginnings and endings, but the third part of a transition is the neutral zone, although they do not generally occur in that order. This should occur between the ending and the new beginning to allow time, not only to adjust to what is to come, but to gain a sense of renewal and, hopefully, increased awareness.


For many people, the neutral zone is the most uncomfortable part of a transition - it is a time when you may have a desire to get away and to stop your day-to-day routines. It may feel like a time of grayness - things are not yet seen as black or white. Although the neutral zone may be entered before you have really ended something, it may come with the new situation, or it may stretch out before you like an endless desert as you know not what you seek, but are looking for something different.


During our time in the neutral zone, we should give ourselves the opportunity to see things differently and to get reoriented toward our new direction. It can also help us to get "past" our past. We are very likely to view our lives differently from this different perspective; as though we have stepped out of ourselves to see how we were before we try to recreate ourselves.


So the neutral zone is a good time to write your life's story - filling in the realities of what has happened, but writing the future as you want it to be. It may be best to spend some of your time in the neutral zone alone, when you are truly by yourself and can be alone with your thoughts. This requires you to be removed from your usual distractions, but in a place where you are safe.


You may also want to spend some time thinking (and perhaps writing) about what would be unlived if your life ended today. To think about what things you had really wanted to do that you haven't. What had you wanted to accomplish? Then you can decide if those things are still worth doing in this next stage of your life, as you design your new beginning.



Mary Ann Davis, M.A., is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice providing coaching and counseling for life's transitions; including a career change or job search, preparing for retirement, coping with an empty nest or loss of job, planning to return to school or to work. She meets with individuals in person and via telephone to assist them in finding solutions to their life planning issues. Mary Ann is certified as a Master Career Counselor (MCC) by the National Career Development Association, a Life/Work Counselor by the National Employment Counseling Association, and is a Distance Credentialed Counselor (DCC). For more information on her services, please visit her web site at http://www.yourcareerplan.com/.

To contact Mary Ann, please call (513) 665-4444 x3 and leave a personal and confidential message or send an email to YourCareerPlan@cinci.rr.com.

Coping With Your Transitions (part 2)

Many of our transitions in life seem to be initiated by an ending of some sort. Certainly a divorce usually send us into a transition, as well as your first or last child going to school or to college. Transitions may result from moving to another city or changing jobs. We also must cope with the endings of phases of our life because of maturation or aging. So for some folks, they begin a significant transition when they graduate from high school and/or college. Of course there's that mid life transition - now somewhere between 30s and late 40s. These events or stages typically represent the ending of one phase and entering a new phase in life.

We may expect difficulties coping with divorce and some other events that are viewed as negative. But we are sometimes thrown by what seems like a positive thing that causes negative feelings, such as a promotion. The new job title, money and other perks sound great, but you maybe had not planned on missing the old job and former co-workers as much as you do. When you are the person who wants the divorce and you have thought about it long and hard before proceeding, you may be surprised at how many sad feelings accompany that event.

Endings can seem like they will be easier to adjust to than they sometimes are and often we do not take endings seriously enough, especially when we are looking forward to the new beginning we have launched. But many of our endings start because something has gone wrong. Other times we may be reluctant to admit we are struggling with a transition that is the result of something "good" happening to us. That may seem to imply we have made a "bad" choice or do not appreciate our "good fortune".

But whether the ending was something you consciously chose or not, it is most helpful to recognize what is ending and appreciate that or work through those accompanying difficulties before proceeding. It is difficult to have a clean "new beginning" if you are still holding on to the previous situation that is now ending.

Many people experience a period of time sort of in a neutral zone before they really can begin something new. We'll talk about that neutral zone in the next post, but for the endings in your life, it is important to pay attention to your internal messaging system and your feelings. It may be that you need to be sure to pay particular attention to your self before and during the transition. You may benefit from writing in a transition journal. If you are feeling uncomfortable, recognize that as a likely sign of change and take some time to allow for adjustment - especially internally. If you have not already done so, look for what you have learned from the situation that is ending and how that may help you in your next situation. Of course, if you find it difficult to cope with the ending, please find someone to talk to.

Mary Ann Davis, M.A., is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice providing coaching and counseling for life's transitions. She meets with individuals in person and via telephone to assist them in finding solutions to their life planning issues. Mary Ann is certified as a Master Career Counselor (MCC) by the National Career Development Association, a Life/Work Counselor by the National Employment Counseling Association, and is a Distance Credentialed Counselor. Please visit her web site at www.YourCareerPlan.com for more information on her services.

To contact Mary Ann, please call (513) 665-4444 x3 and leave a personal and confidential voice message or send an email to YourCareerPlan@cinci.rr.com.

Coping With Your Transitions (part 1)

By our very nature, as human beings, we go through a number of transitions in life. Some we barely notice, others may stop us in our tracks, and many fall somewhere in between. Some transitions are a part of human development and some are choices we, or someone else, have made. Whether you think of a person's life as having a morning, afternoon, and evening or a Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter, there are some developmental stages we all go through. Some of those stages you may now have no remembrance of, others may still be very clear in your mind.


There is not time to go into all of the transitions that are a result of our growing up, but for this post, I will just focus on transitions that seem to be initiated by the individual - by creating a new beginning. These might be new relationships, improvements in your self or your personal/home life, changes in your work or your financial situation. You may have had a notion that you wanted something different for a while and finally decide to act upon it. It may have felt like the idea for something different just came to you, as in a dream. Whatever the initial signs that you recognized, you chose to head off in a different direction, in some aspect of your life.

Some people develop fairly extensive plans for how they will get from where they are to where they now want to be. Others sort of "wing it" and follow some unknown directives to their new circumstances. Even in these instances, the transitions that we launch by choice and that we see as positive, new directions in our lives, can cause us to second guess ourselves. There is sometimes a temptation to stay where we were and as we were, where it seems safe because it is a known situation, compared to venturing into a new arena. That second-guessing might come about because there is a legitimate reason to be cautious. But often it is our safe-keeping self trying to dissuade us from doing something different. It can be difficult to sort out your feelings and your thoughts to distinguish between those reasons. But that is what you must do. Is it just a matter of your inner self trying to hold on to what is known and, therefore, comfortable, or is it a form of an inner early warning system?

For me, it usually helps to consider the circumstances of the new proposed change to help me sort through those conflicting messages. Having some time alone and relatively free from distractions for this contemplation is imperative. It also helps me, because of my nature, to write things out. I can clear a lot of confusion through my writing. Sometimes, I need to talk it out with a confidante - that is not necessarily to get their input on what they would do, or what they think I should do. But, rather it is to get their feedback on whether or not what I plan to do makes sense for me - from their perspective. A combination of those strategies may be most helpful for you. What I would encourage you to consider though, is that if there is a change you plan to make (or a change you have just made), that you believe will mean an improvement in some aspect of your life, don't let those second thoughts immediately make you change your mind. Before aborting your plans, try to figure out the source of your uncertainties. We will talk more about transitions in my next post.

Mary Ann Davis, M.A., is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice providing coaching and counseling for life's transitions; including a job or carer change, coping with an empty nest, planning to return to work or to school, retirement planning, coping with loss of job, and other life planning issues. She meets with individuals in person and on-line to assist them to find solutions to life transition issues. Mary Ann is certified as a Master Career Counselor (MCC) by the National Career Development Association, a Life/Work Counselor by the National Employment Counseling Association, and is a Distance Credentialed Counselor (DCC). Please visit her web site at www.YourCareerPlan.com for more information on her services.
To contact Mary Ann, please call (513) 665-4444 x3 and leave a personal and confidential message or send an email to YourCareerPlan@cinci.rr.com.

Consider These Questions

If you are trying to make a change in your life, but unable to keep working at it, or even get started, I suggest you ask yourself two questions. The first is why do you want to make the change. The second question is how much do you want to make it. In many cases, the answers to these questions may seem obvious, but not always. Additionally, if you are dragging your feet on a change you say you want to make, there generally is some reason you are not at least trying to implement it.


So, for a moment, put your pride aside and really consider the change you say you want to make. The first question to ask yourself (why you want to make the change) actually should get at your motivation. Is it really something that you want or is it someone else's voice saying you "should" do it? It is hard to undertake a change in many cases, but if you are not motivated to do so, it becomes nearly impossible to achieve. If it is your own voice saying you want it, but there are disclaimers that go with it, or it is near the end of a long list of things you want, you may prefer to set it aside until it is more important to you.


In some cases, it is something you want, but not for the right reasons - it may be something you think you should want because other people want it or indicate you should want it. In those instances, you are probably not really motivated to make it happen either. Please understand, that is probably okay, but you may need to be able to convince yourself that it really is okay not to want something, even though, or just because, others do.


The second question (how badly do you want it) involves the level of commitment you currently have to making the change. Even if you are motivated to do something, if there is very little commitment, it is not likely that you will stay with it to bring it into reality. That's why we sometimes get stalled once we have gotten a project or plan underway. We run out of steam because we don't have sufficient commitment to keep us going.


So think about what are you willing to do, or willing to give up, to make the change you want? If there is not much commitment, there probably won't be much follow through. Sometimes we are better at follow through on our commitments to others than to ourselves. It may help to remember that you are as important as others and deserve the same treatment you afford to others.


Of course, sometimes it is also a matter of the change being something we want, but others don't. In those cases, others may, knowingly or not, put additional obstacles in your way that you were not able to plan for, but that derail the plans you had made. Although we frequently can anticipate potential obstacles from friends and/or loved ones, that is not always the case. Sometimes those closest to us have something to lose, or believe they do, if we make a change. Often those concerns come to light by having an open and honest discussion regarding your plans.

If the obstacles come from outside your close circle, then you need to review your situation to determine if the change you had planned can be rerouted to get around, under, over, or through the obstacle. Or is it something you need to discuss with those responsible for the obstacle(s) to see if you can get them removed. They may have knowledge with which you are not aware, but that impact your plans. They may have insights that could benefit you in re-evaluating your plans. In some instances, you may need to use or develop a Plan B.


Change is not often easy, but if it is something you want/need to do for your own well-being, it is worth considering why you have not been able to implement the change you seek.




Mary Ann Davis (M.A.) is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice providing coaching and counseling for life's transitions; including a career change or job search, planning for retirement or non-retirement, coping with a loss of job or empty nest, planning to return to work or school, and other life planning issues. She meets with individuals in person and via telephone helping to find solutions to problems related to life transitions. Mary Ann is certified as a Master Career Counselor by the National Career Development Association, a Life/Work Counselor by the National Employment Counseling Association, and is a Distance Credentialed Counselor. Please visit her web site at http://www.yourcareerplan.com/ for more information on her services.


To contact Mary Ann, please call (513) 665-4444 x3 and leave a personal and confidential voice message or send an email to YourCareerPlan@cinci.rr.com.